sorry i'm not sorry

Oh You’re Cleansing? Please Tell Me More!

I am no stranger to dieting. I’ve been looking for thinspiration since I would say the ripe age of twelve. I’ve vomited (bet you didn’t know that about me), starved, taken laxatives (gross I know), done the gym thing three hours a day six days a week, no carbs, high protein, Weight Watchers, six small meals, SlimFast, taken Xenedrine (with the Ephedra), Hydroxycut, QuickTrim (worst), Lipo6X (best), started smoking because I was told it would suppress my appetite, and I will never stop drinking an absurd amount of black coffee because “it speeds up my metabolism.” What I never got into (at least not yet) is the cult of the cleansing world.

It all started with “The Master Cleanse.” It’s every celebs secret! Naturally I googled it and it left a very bad taste in my mouth, literally. Here are the ingredients for those of you who aren’t familiar:

  • Pure Filtered Water
  • Grade B Organic Maple Syrup, Formaldehyde free
  • Organic Cayenne Pepper
  • Organic Lemons
  • Sea salt - Unrefined, (Not iodized) or Epsom Salt

Optional Ingredients:

  • Laxative tea
  • Natural Herbal Tea (decaffeinated)

Well now doesn’t that sound delicious?! Cayenne Pepper? SIGN ME UP! I would love to drink ass for ten days. You are also advised to drink this concoction with a half hour to an hour to spare before you go anywhere. The reason is this: you will have explosive diarrhea. Here’s some advice, don’t tell anyone you are doing the master cleanse, no one needs to know you are “indisposed.” Take a two week vacation from your life.

The newest rage are the “juice cleanses.” This is awesome, I can drink Hi-C for ten days? No, no that’s not it at all. After further googling I’ve read up on the Blueprint Cleanse and at home juice cleanses (which apparently is the most cost efficient, note, $300 blender not included). It doesn’t sound all that bad until you’re made aware that fruit smoothies must be cut to a minimum (because of the natural sugars in fruit) and you’re told to start blending all things green. I don’t know about you but I prefer my celery like I prefer my men (use your imagination to finish that sentence).

Now that I’ve addressed a couple different forms of the phenomenon that is cleansing, I want to talk about the “cleanser.” First off, stop lying. “I’m cleansing to purify my body and be as healthy as possible.” No, you are cleansing because you want to look good naked. Second, stop pushing your disgusting beverage on me. Wheat grass tastes like shit. It will always taste like shit. No sane person actually enjoys the taste of pureed grass. Third, stop projecting your “healthy lifestyle” on me. Drink your juice while I smoke my cig and drink my extra large black coffee. If and when you decide to include vodka in your juice recipe I may consider your offer.


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